Humorous Parenting Thoughts

Brian’s Mom Once Said …

1. Women know all about their kids from appointments to their secret fears. A man is vaguely aware of some noisy little people living in the house.
2. The reason my son and my mother get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
3. My way of washing boys socks: burn them.
4. Why do men act like infants when they’re being treated like men?
5. People who say they sleep really well usually don’t have teenagers.
6. My son is my reason for everything. The reason everything is out of place, eaten, broken, dirty, or lost.
7. Raising a rugby boy can feel like feeding the mouth that tackles you.
8. Raising a boy is like having a rugby game installed in your brain.
9. Living with a boy is part love and part good food hiding.
10. The trouble with having an argument with my son is that he has my same argument gene.
11. The secret of dealing successfully with a teenager is not to be a parent.
12. I will always be my son’s favorite embarrassment.
13. Parenthood: A permanent state of being hunted like the fox in a hound race.
14. The trouble with learning to parent a son is that your son is the teacher.
15. I’m not worried that my son never listens to me; I worry that he is always watching me.
16. Lately, I have found that going without a bra at night pulls the wrinkles out of my face.
17. On the Pinto Bean Diet, I didn’t lose weight, people just thought I looked thinner because they had to stand 50 feet away from me.
18. I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is all of their garments give you a wedgie.
19. The quickest way to get a kid’s attention is to say that it’s payday.
20. As a mom of a boy who knows everything, I seem to be getting smarter with his increasing age.
21. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it embarrassing my son.
22. Kids really do get enough exercise just pushing their luck.
23. Raising a boy is like trying to nail an ice cube to a tree.
24. A boy without a mom to nag them is like a neck without pain.
25. Laugh on your phone and your teenager thinks you’re weird.
26. Forget the Jones’, I keep us up with the neighbors’ dog house.
27. A kid with a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
28. My son never lets education interfere with his learning.
29. Santa has the right idea – visit kids once a year, in the dark, while they are sleeping.
30. It used to be that my true love brought me chocolate. Now my true love IS chocolate.
31. I am so clever as a parent that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
32. Moms are wiser than our boys because we know less and see more.
33. How a teenager thinks: If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
34. My son is an idealist. He doesn’t know where he’s going, but he’s on his way.
35. I don’t need my son to remind me of my age. I have a mirror to do that for me.
36. I cook with good red wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
37. I tell my son to get his facts straight first, then I can distort them as I please.
38. 97.7% of all statistics teenagers quote to parents are made up on the spot.
39. I should have named my son a name that ended with a vowel so that when I yelled it would carry down the block to all of the neighbors.
40. Boys getting ready for school are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
41. The road to teenage excess leads straight to the wrath of mom.
42. English is a teenager’s second language, Complaint is their first.
43. If it wasn’t for scanners and frisking at airports, I’d have no sex life at all.
44. When you see a family walking down the street, the one that’s 40 steps ahead, is the teenager.
45. The men I date think monogamy is something you use to make furniture.
46. My teenage son’s favorite animal is steak.
47. The trouble with feeding a teenage boys Italian food is that five or six minutes later they’re hungry again.
48. My teenage son’s health would improve greatly if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
49. Just saying No prevents teenage pregnancy the way Have a nice day cures chronic depression.
50. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness for your teenager simply doesn’t know where to go shopping.
51. The quickest way to know a bully is to go shopping with your teenager.
52. The only truly secure computer – safe from teenagers is the one buried in concrete, with the power turned off and the network cable cut.
53. Whining is hereditary: You can get it from your teenage children.
54. The worst sensation I know of is getting up at night and stepping on a small Lego.
55. It is not what we do for our children, but what we have taught them to do for themselves that will make them move home at age 30.
56. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family you aren’t related to.
57. For every boy’s action, there is an equal and opposite mother response.
58. The difference between my perseverance & my son’s obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, & the other from his dad.
59. I think my son begins each day saying one thing to me to get it over with.
60. When I explain to my son it’s not the money but the principle of the thing – I lie – it’s the money.
61. Boy Homework Motto: If at first, you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
62. One of the great disadvantages of what hurry is to my son is that it takes such a long time.
63. Show me a sane dad and I will cure him for you.
64. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am–so what is my son talking about?
65. For boys, two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make good excuses.
66. Our teenagers will not understand what true happiness is until they get married, but then it’s too late.
67. Time raising a teenager is a circus, always packing them up and moving them where they need to be.
68. The Rose Bowl is the only bowl that I didn’t have to clean today.
69. There is nothing so annoying as to have two teenagers talking when you’re busy interrupting.
70. My teenage son is going through a period of rapid changes. Between January and now he’s aged me 20 years.
71. There’s nothing wrong with teenagers that going to work full-time won’t cure
72. God does not complain, so he created teenagers.
73. Law of the Teenager: Any dirty sock, when removed, will disappear to the least accessible corner for my mother to find when she vacuums.
74. There’s nothing sadder in this world to a teenager than to awake Christmas morning and have to go to church with your parents.
75. No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidation and guilt on the eve of a major holiday.
76. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
77. Nothing screams ‘I’m Already Tired of This Holiday’, like a cheese log.
78. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for my car and a job the next day.
79. The only thing stronger than this mother’s love is my morning breath.
80. I’m at that age when the dog goes out more than I do.
81. Never stand between a teenage boy and the refrigerator.
82. If music be the soothing food of teenage angst, play on.
83. I never met a dark chocolate I didn’t like.
84. I’m pretty sure by now that my home is protected by killer dust bunnies.
85. Cleaning your house while teenagers are still living with you is like washing your car just as it is about to rain.
86. My teenage son said he needed more space, so I pushed him outside.
87. It’s Saturday night and I am going to sleep before my dog.
88. A true friend never defends their friend’s husband or boyfriend who gets them a Swiss Army Knife for Christmas.
89. When you send your teenager to the store, the odds of him leaving the store with ONLY the loaf of bread you need are three trillion to one.
90. Who, in their infinite wisdom, decreed that undergarments to sports uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
91. A Mother’s words of wisdom: Look at me when I am talking to you! Don’t look at me like that young man!
92. I have never gone to the bathroom in my life that a male voice on the other side of the door hasn’t said, Are you really busy right now?
93. How many boys does it take to turn off the light in the kitchen? 3 – It takes 1 to say: What Light? & 2 more to say: I Don’t Know.
94. When a boy is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing – believe him. It’s better that way.
95. The only reason I would take up running as exercise is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
96. One of life’s mysteries is how an ounce of kid candy can make moms gain five pounds.
97. French fries between the car seats do not improve with time.
98. My second favorite household chore is cleaning the toilet. My first being stubbing my big toe in the dark while falling on Legos and knocking myself out.
99. I’ve been friends with women so thin that buzzards circle them as they walk to their cars.
100. Teenage boys should be regarded as perishables: Let them out for too long and they go bad.
101. Parent Guilt: the gift we keep on giving to our kids.
102. Do you know what to call guests who use towels & never wash them, eat meals & hate doing dishes, sleep in rooms they never clean? Boys.
103. Any mom who is forced to watch three games of high school rugby in a row while sitting on metal bleachers should be declared legally insane.
104. Absence of a son makes the wallet grow wider.
105. The only list I ever make is the one that has toilet paper written on it.
106. All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking teenage boys into a house with nice furniture is one of them.
107. When I think of starting to pick up my son’s dirty gym socks, this little voice in my head says, ‘Let stinking socks lie.’ It’s a wise voice.
108. Teenage boy proverb: Better to have eaten all, and hurt, than to never have eaten at all.
109. Several teenagers a day keeps the leftovers away.
110. I think high school sports was invented to keep grown men off the streets.
111. I should burn 1200 calories when I have to pick up my son, drive him to drop off, go back to bring his homework, pick him up, etc. It’s 1 long driving treadmill.
112. Don’t Put All Your Teenagers Dirty Socks In One Basket.
113. My son picked the number 69 as his football number. He couldn’t understand why no one wanted it. I let his Dad explain.
114. No one told me I’d be eating eggs so I can feed my son. When did he start with the seconds and thirds? Oh, that’s right, he plays rugby.
115. I have yet to find a drug to help with teenagers.
116. Wow, my heating pad has become my best date.